Timofey Mozgov Needs a Career Change

There is a player in the NBA named Timofey Mozgov. If you know who he is, cool. If you don’t know who he is, all you really need to know is that he is 7’1 and once had his soul dunked out of his body by Blake Griffin. It was quite possibly the single most emasculating moment in our planet’s history, right up there with that time Happy Gilmore replied to Shooter McGavin’s diss by saying, “You eat shit for breakfast?” It was that bad. Just look:

The ball isn’t even in the picture, nor is most of Mozgov’s body. And nor is Blake Griffin's junk, but that's only because Mozgov's face is blocking and quite possibly inhaling it. Griffin knows what's up, Mozgov certainly knows what's up, and even this fan in the crowd who looks like Kevin Malone from The Office knows what's up:

When Kevin Malone doppelgangers are mentally saying “Dear Lord bless that poor boy’s soul,” while watching you at your place of employment, you should probably change jobs. Hold that thought.

According to ESPN Timofey Mozgov is the 9th highest paid center in the NBA with an annual salary of $16 million. Mozgov receives his paychecks from the Los Angeles Lakers, who inked him to a 4 year, $64 million contract over the offseason, presumably with the hopes that he would provide veteran leadership and perhaps help mentor some of the younger Laker big men. The deal was mocked around the league at the time as a massive overpay for a center who barely saw the court in the 2016 Finals as a member of the Cleveland Cavaliers. Executives saw Mozgov as a relic of previous era of basketball, someone the faster and smaller modern NBA would quickly pass by. Kevin Malone’s doppelganger also saw him this way, but years in advance. Dude’s a visionary. Anyway, these executives were pretty much exactly right. The Lakers, currently in the midst of a shameless tank job, are content to let Mozgov ride the bench and collect his checks in the interim, but they will likely try to buy him out or trade him before his deal runs out. It’s never a good thing for your employer to be counting the days until they no longer have to pay you, so Timo, allow me to offer you an alternative career path. Become a Bond villain. Seriously. Do it.

There are currently 24 James Bond movies, each with at least one primary villain for Bond to defeat, which by the way, he has, every time. The villains all have their own idiosyncrasies but there are a few boxes that they almost always check. Let’s list them off and see if Mozgov fits the bill.

1. They are wealthy.

   • As previously stated, Mozgov currently makes $16 million a year. Check.

2. They want to become even wealthier.

   • Mozgov’s previous deal paid him only about $4 million annually, so Mozgov is all about moving on up. Check.

3. They are European.

   • Mozgov was born in Russia. That’s like a double check.

4. They average less than 20 minutes per game in the NBA. 

   • Mozgov’s career average is 18.5 mpg. Check.

5. They are scary looking.

Fucking CHECK.

That’s five boxes, and that’s five checks. What more do you need?

Timo, my man, my guy, you just aren’t cut out for today’s NBA. This is the career move you need to make, and you need to make it yesterday. Your only marketable NBA skill right now is the amount of physical space your Godzilla-like frame occupies, and even though you are nearly 300 pounds and certainly bring a girth-quake every time you take a step, you don’t rebound well nor can you stretch the floor. You also can't pass. Or dribble. And somehow you are 30 years old. How the hell did that happen? Why does it seem like Eastern European men are always like 6 to 60 years older than you expected? Is this a Russia specific thing or are people from the other former Soviet states in on this action too? The point is, 30 is not a young age for an NBA player. But it is an extremely young age for a James Bond villain. The average age of the actors portraying the primary bad guy in the four Daniel Craig Bond movies is 47 years old. You would be by far the youngest villain to play opposite Craig, and you would also be the tallest and most convincingly Russian, since, you know, you are 7’1 and actually Russian. People might say a career change like this is impossible. People also said nobody would ever come back from being down 3-1 in the Finals. You helped defeat the greatest regular season team of all time when nobody outside your locker room thought it was possible. It was one of the biggest upsets of all time. You know what would be an even bigger upset? Coming back from down 24-0 and defeating the greatest regular season spy of all time. Bond has never lost. Take the mantle Timo, and lead the Villains to their first title. You can do it.