The following is a transcript of the 24 hours preceding the moment Kelly Olynyk decided it was a good idea to grow a goatee.
5:27 AM: Kelly Olynyk’s alarm goes off and he rises from his king size bed. Why does he set his alarm for 5:27? There are two reasons. The first is that he has to be at the Boston Celtics’ practice facility by 6:00 AM. The second is that 5:27 includes the numbers 5, 2, and 7, which, when added together total the number 14. 14 backwards is 41. 41 is Kelly Olynyk’s jersey number. Kelly Olynyk thinks of everything.
6:00 AM: Kelly walks into the practice facility and heads to the locker room, wearing an all grey Celtics sweatsuit and sunglasses, even though the sun hasn’t risen yet. He sees one of the equipment managers and gives him a head nod. Kelly looks really cool at this moment.
6:48 AM: Kelly is in the warm up phase of his exercise circuit and is currently using the rowing machine, which he really likes because the harder you row, the more fake wind the machine blows back at you. Kelly Olynyk loves when the fake wind blows back at him because it makes his hair flow the same way it would in the real wind, if Kelly were rowing on a real boat. He’s never been on a real row boat, but Kelly has dreams to win the Head of the Charles regatta. He would be the first 7-footer to win. It’s his third most important dream. Winning the NBA title and being legally adopted by Bill Walton are tied for first. As he thinks of this and his hair streams behind him in the fake wind, Kelly looks up at the television and sees Jim Rome pontificating:
“Aaron RODGERS. WHAT...a...listen carefully now, PHE-NOM-E-NAL quarterback. But folks, he is a garbage human being. I repeat. GAR-BAGE.”
Kelly Olynyk didn’t agree with what Jim Rome was saying, but he marveled at the way Rome said it. He looked so in control. Kelly wishes he could be that in control.
8:25 AM: Kelly finishes his morning work out and slides into a cold tub while an equipment manager brings him his breakfast. It’s a tall glass of water with an Emergen-C mixed in (obviously orange flavored) and two unripened bananas. Kelly has a lot of team pride, so he prefers to eat his bananas while they are still green.
9:00 AM: Kelly sits down in one of the classrooms with a Celtics assistant coach and begins to watch film of his pick and roll defense. The coach compliments his initial instincts but says his footwork needs to improve. Kelly nods.
9:16 AM: Teammate Tyler Zeller enters the classroom and sits down. He is 16 minutes late. Kelly shakes his head in disgust. “Fucking typical,” he thinks to himself. Tyler Zeller is trash.
11:49 AM: The film session finishes up a little early, so Kelly strolls back to the locker room and plops himself sideways on a couch to relax for a few minutes. He hops on the r/BostonCeltics subreddit to see if anyone has started a thread about him. No one has. Kelly frowns, and continues to scroll. He sees a thread inquiring about the nicknames of the various players on the Celtics. “Hmmmm” he says aloud as he taps the link. He scrolls past some of the more obvious monikers for his various teammates. Marcus Smart is “Mahcus Smaht.” Makes sense. Isaiah Thomas is “THA LITTLE GUY!!!!”, spelled exactly like that. Kelly Olynyk knows this is a nickname given to Thomas by Celtics color commentator Tommy Heinsohn. Kelly Olynyk thinks of everything. As he nears the bottom of the thread he finally sees his name pop up. “Kelly Olynyk The Basketball Klynyk” is what he sees. “That’s fucking epic,” thinks Kelly, knowing he had just stumbled upon the perfect name for the summer camp he was planning on starting next offseason.
3:22 PM: The Celtics are going over a new after timeout play (ATO) that coach Brad Stevens wants to implement. Stevens is widely regarded as one of the top ATO strategists in the game. Kelly appreciates this about his coach. This particular play is designed to get Kelly an open three point shot from the top of the key. Kelly appreciates this too.
3: 23 PM: Coach Stevens claps his hands and the chosen five players on the court start executing the ATO. Kelly zips around a screen set by Al Horford and bolts to the top of the key. He receives a pass from Avery Bradley and turns to square himself for a jumpshot. He rises, extends his arms, and lofts the ball towards the rim. He misses the rim. He also misses the backboard. He misses everything. His teammates explode in laughter, led by Gerald Green. Kelly scowls. Green barely plays, but is extremely well-liked and considered the funniest member of the team. Kelly admires how despite limited playing time he always seems in control. Kelly wishes he could be that in control.
6:00 PM: Practice comes to an end and Kelly moves to the locker room with the rest of his Boston teammates.
6:09 PM: Kelly undresses, wraps himself in a towel, and walks to the showers.
6:10 PM: Marcus Smart undresses, doesn’t wrap himself in a towel, and walks to the showers.
6:16 PM: Marcus Smart finishes his shower, walks to Kelly’s shower, takes his towel, and walks back to his locker.
6:17 PM: Kelly finishes his shower, reaches for his towel, and realizes it is no longer there. He covers his privates with his hands and walks back to his locker. Kelly is a nervous person, and he looks very, very uncool in this moment.
7:02 PM: Kelly arrives back at home and slumps onto his couch. He switches on the TV and sees that The Wire is playing on HBO. He changes the TV to that channel.
7:09 PM: Stringer Bell unzips the pink hoodie of Donette, D’Angelo Barksdale’s baby mama. Kelly has seen this scene before in the intro sequence of the show. He knows that Stringer is doing something inappropriate, but he admires how in control Stringer seems. Kelly wishes he could be that in control.
8:15 PM: Kelly eats his dinner. He makes sure to include a lot of green foods in his dinners because he has lots of team pride.
8:41 PM: Kelly Google's his own name to see what pops up. His name autocorrects to “Jelly Plunk”. Kelly is amused by this and proceeds to sing “Jelly Plunk, Jelly Plunk, ooo Jelly Jelly, Jelly Jelly Plunk! Ba-dum, dum, dum” in the barbershop quartet style of “Lollipop.”
9:22 PM: Kelly brushes his teeth and gets ready for bed. He has to get up at 5:27 again the next morning so it is important he goes to bed early. He wonders what it is that Jim Rome, Gerald Green, and Stringer Bell all have in common that allows them to be so in control. He hopes he will dream of the answer while he sleeps.
3:21 AM: Kelly bolts awake and realizes what it is that connects Jim Rome, Gerald Green, and Stringer Bell and immediately makes the decision to grow a goatee. Kelly Olynyk thinks of everything.